What in the World is up with Kandi???

I'm in a rough spot. 

I am not okay. 

Why are those words so hard to say? 

Why isn't it normal to just talk about what issues you are having? 

To let people know, ask for help?

Instead we be tough, be strong, be private.

Human Nature. Personality. Culture. Generation. Social skills. Circumstances.......we just do not want everyone up in our business..... unless it becomes necessary. Unless there is no way around it.

I think I'm there. 

When you read farther, you are going to have suggestions for me. Things that may have helped you or someone you know, or things you have been told are supposed to work for this or that..... yes I've tried them. Most likely. Maybe it's suggesting someone who can do it better... As you suggest these things, please remember, I've lived here in the Northern Hills almost longer at this point than I lived where I was raised. I am well established here. I have a ton of people in my corner. Doctors, nurses, specialists, people with all sorts of beliefs that I respect each one of. People who sell oils, herbs, juices, fitness, weightloss products, stuff that if committed to are supposed to help your overall health. A lifestyle change......this has been evolving over the course of a lifetime, I've gone through many of these (ask me how I got my daughter). Most do help.....for a while, until they don't. 

As my mother sits on the phone 9 hours away & unable to drop everything to come to me like we both want, she exhausts every possible suggestion she can come up with. It's what we do. We want each other to be okay, to feel okay, to go on like that. We try to suggest to be helpful. I know, and thank you. I love that you care. 

This past week has been rough...

I have 2 diagnosed medical conditions & we are watching for another that one of those can be a precursor to.  

They are all currently coming to a head...

A week or so ago one of my crowns on my teeth (1/3 I had to get in 30 days 15 months ago when my mouth was the place of attack last time) BROKE IN HALF. The thought is that it is caused by my intense clenching and grinding at night, which is likely caused by my Trigeminal Neuralgia, possibly also a different autoimmune disease correspondence. Since it did not just pop off, they were unable to repair it simply and will have to drill it out and replace it....but since I have the condition Trigeminal Neuralgia (explained below), I don't ever go fully numb and it takes HOURS to get me numb enough to work on my teeth, then after the work I have WEEKS of excruciating nerve pain on the right side of my face. Due to this, the dentists don't want to work on the crown without a Neuro consult and medical plan for before, during & after the work. Neurology can't get me in to see them until APRIL 15th. I am on a "drop everything and go now" waitlist where they call the names on the list when someone cancels and the first one to answer gets to come in....but I have a hysterectomy and prolapse repair surgery scheduled for March 21st. I done did ware those parts out. Actually, my 2nd, or maybe it should be the first, as it came first, condition is PCOS - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (explained below). It has taken a large toll on my health as well. 

Last Sunday night when I got the stomach flu, Whatever protective sealant had been left on my tooth with the broken crown was eaten away while puking, so when I woke up the next morning after finally passing out, my pain was through the roof. The dentist tried putting a desensitizing layer on it (at which time I about jumped out of the chair and involuntarily may have nearly kicked a hygienist). It really didn't do a lot for the pain. There is some concern that while waiting on neuro, my tooth may become abscessed or infected. There is an antibiotic waiting at the pharmacy if it starts going that route. In the mean time my regular doc worked me in this morning (Thurs) & prescribed me a new, stronger nerve pain med at an increasable dose, however then at my pre opp appointment this afternoon my OBGYN suggested not taking it until after the surgery, or taking it, then stopping it a week before the surgery (we are almost there) as in her experiences, chronic nerve pain meds like that one often make post opp pain more intense to the point she has taken people back into surgery.....ummmmm, pass. 

sooooo.......

That means right now in order for one of my issues to be fixed, the one before it must be & the person who fixes it needs to be available. Then on down the line. So I am stuck. I have the medications, the alternative remedies & the suggestions. Now we get through it. We get one thing fixed, or removed, then the next, and treat them as we go, until we get to good days again. 

Is that all?  nope.

WHAT in the WORLD is UP with KANDI???

A lot. There are a lot of different things at play here. They've been building over a lifetime. None are an easy fix, the big ones, in fact, don't even have a fix. They're those fun lifelong ones. Let's go over those.....time to fess up. I'm not JUST SICK all the time. Honestly, it's ALL THE TIME & it's more annoying for me to let you who depend on me down, than to actually be sick. Sick sucks, but losing people you keep letting down sucks worse. Know, that's the hardest. That's what I hate the most. Letting others down. Not being able to be there. Daycare, preschool, other jobs, events, programs, ladies nights out, sports, meetings, all the things I miss out on for my very own family and my very own children. Sick sucks. 

The Issues Explained:

I have compromised immunity due to multiple autoimmune diseases. I get every germ that walks by and waves. They attack me. Unfortunately then they usually spread to my family who love to share with me, or vise versa, they get them first, sneak a drink or a bite, bam, Mom down. 

Then WHY do you work with kids?

It's my passion. I spent 5.5 years on 3 degrees, 2 endorsements & part of a masters in education. I come from a family with 8 teachers and administrators. Its who we are, what we do, what we love. I love your little germy offspring. I love watching them grow & learn & being a part of it. I am having a very very hard time admitting that my health may prevent me from continuing this. 

2019 has hit with the furry of all of my 37.2 trillion cells in my body derailing the train. 

January brought hemorrhaging, 3 point hemoglobin count drops, multiple illnesses and a continual flare of my face pain, Trigeminal Neuralgia (explained below). 

February, more of all that, add hormone uppers and all their NASTY side effects, the reintroduction of seizure medicine to try to curb the constant firing of the Trigeminal Neuralgia in my face and all that med's NASTY side effects, clinching and grinding from fore listed stressors which triggers more firing of TN as well as the breakdown of my teeth. Cue cracked in half crown, only mildly sensitive at first, but causes the TN to ENRAGE!!!! 

The weather is hovering -30 which aggravates TN & other autoimmune issues I exhibit, such as the contraction and stiffening of every muscle down the right side of my body and the occasional loss of sensation for how much pressure my foot or hand are putting down (stepping, holding, grasping) & the occasional numbness & tingling of appendages. Dropping things is my recent thing, like the supper I worked hard on, my favorite kitchen appliance (11qt instant pot/ pressure cooker useless), my phone - thank goodness for good cases. 

March-  Starts off with a bang, still as cold as if Hell froze over, hormone stuff quit working, those issues start to return, cracked crown cannot be repaired

Cue stomach flu. Vomit breaks down whatever was keeping the tooth from being an all out inflamed, raw, exposed evil. Cannot even swallow pain meds. Cannot eat. Cannot drink. Hurts to talk. Hurts to move my tongue. Cannot do daily life. Imminent breakdown.

A slight possible positive- I may lose some weight here. 

Trigeminal Neuralgia- 

This one sucks the worse right now. Here's a visual:

Your trigeminal nerve spreads across your face. You have one on each side of your face and each has 3 areas. It is the nerve that the Novocain at the dentist goes in to get you numb (see the problem with a broken crown- but even if they could get it numb, the weeks following dental work are excruciatingly debilitating). The pain is ever evolving. It stabs like a knife, shocks like lightning or an electric pulse, it throbs between, it makes your face contort & twitch. It makes you assume the fetal position & scream. It takes you away from life. It is incurable. It can sometimes be a precursor to MS, especially in women my age. 

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)-

Spoiler Alert: It's NOT CYSTS people. 

Or rather not JUST cysts. There are cysts as a byproduct. But that's not even close to the whole show. Some research suggests it be classified as an autoimmune disease in itself. I have rarely met a woman with PCOS who doesn't also have a differently classified autoimmune disease in addition to it. it's a beast. 

This one started at age 10 or 11 or even before, as it is often genetic. It is essentially a hormone imbalance. Do you know what all is effected by hormones in your body? To start with, your reproductive system, your ability to make babies or even to enjoy the process, insulin is a hormone, your entire endocrine system is ran by hormones, your ligaments elasticity, your hair, your skin, your weight, your mood, hormones. Mine do not function normally. None of the above are a normal functioning piece of my life. 

I'm not going to throw you all the lovely details of this one right here. I'll drop a link, you can Google it, you can ask your friend/wife/sister/mom/grandma if she knows. 1 in 10 women of childbearing age have PCOS, 10% of the female population. Odds are you know someone. It can manifest different for everyone and most often it gets worse over time.

 On March 21st I will be having a hysterectomy & prolapse repair to alleviate some symptoms of PCOS, it will not cure it, not even close, but it will take away a few of the annoying things that make my life harder, take me out for periods of time and cause me to occasionally become anemic. The prolapse....that's some guts that should be up in place inside you that have fallen down out of place. Mine is from my 9lb baby then proceeding to have 2 more babies, the last one being 8#6oz and all 4 of my uterine quadrants he grew in having too much fluid....too much weight pressing down, stuff fell. Yay me. 

The initial 'need my husband home' recovery is 2 weeks. My friend Shannon is setting up a meal train to help him out those 2 weeks. She'll be posting something on Facebook for that & I'll share it too. THANKS SHANNON!!!!!!

The total out of commision for lifting and working and that is 6 weeks. Sadly, I will be done with daycare and preschool for the year next week. 

Once I'm up & moving, I'll get to neuro, then the dentist, then start all over with pain management after dental work....eventually, hopefully, it will all settle down and/or heal. 

I WILL BE OKAY. 

I know I'll have more good days. I'm looking forward to that. Until then, I know I'm not sitting on my rear with no hope. I have a medical plan. It is very hard some days. But, there will be more good days. I was in a rough spot at the beginning of the week, but have again come to peace with where I'm at right now. One thing, then the next.